She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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