I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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