My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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