I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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