I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
