you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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