I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
