you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
