so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Randomize
