I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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