He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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