the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
