I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
