i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
