I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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