How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
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Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
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Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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