I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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