Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
