Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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