My sheets look like a crime scene.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
