He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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