Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He passed out mid-signature
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
