bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
