I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
