Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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