peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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