Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just threw up on my dentist
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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