I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
