I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
