Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
