Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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