One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I stole a fireplace last night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
