I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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