Little spoons don't ask big questions
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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