Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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