My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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