I love having hate sex.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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