just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
