i love accidental penises.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
