just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
