You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
love makes seman taste better
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
