the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
