I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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