I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
