I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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