please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
