I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
