there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
