i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Houston, we have a squirter
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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