I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i came on her dog
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
