I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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