i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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