please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
