when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
