The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
