You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
