Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
