I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
