At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
