i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
