those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
