I cockslap morals
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
